UK Cop Humour @UKCopHumour

When you're looking for a sign...

You lot have sent this in SO MANY times 😆

𝗗𝗼𝗲𝘀 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱 𝗮𝘀𝗽𝗶𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝗮 𝗽𝗼𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗲𝗿? Do they run around the house shouting “nee naw” and playing cops and robbers? Be a step ahead of the rest and start preparing your toddler for a 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗹 𝗰𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝗻 𝗽𝗼𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗶𝗻𝗴. Forget toy handcuffs and plastic radios. The new 𝗠𝘆 𝗙𝗶𝗿𝘀𝘁™ 𝗗𝗿𝘂𝗴𝘀 𝗧𝗼𝗶𝗹𝗲𝘁 from Fishy-Price introduces them to the realities of the job from an early age. They’ll learn essential skills including 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲, 𝗼𝗯𝘀𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻, 𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 and, of course, 𝘀𝗮𝗳𝗲 𝘀𝗶𝗳𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴. Complete with a clear perspex booth, recovery chamber, rubber gauntlets and authentic custody signage. Fishy-Price™. 𝗕𝗲𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝗶𝘁’𝘀 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗼𝗼 𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗹𝘆 𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗿𝗼𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗽𝗼𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗶𝗻𝗴.

𝗘𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁-𝘆𝗲𝗮𝗿-𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝗠𝗮𝘅 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘀𝗶𝘅-𝘆𝗲𝗮𝗿-𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝗟𝘂𝗰𝗮𝘀, 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝗣𝗖 𝗠𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘄 𝗕𝗹𝗮𝗱𝗲𝘀, 𝗹𝗲𝗱 𝗠𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗵𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗨𝗻𝗶𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝗢𝗹𝗱 𝗧𝗿𝗮𝗳𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝘆𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗱𝗮𝘆 𝗮𝘀 𝗺𝗮𝘀𝗰𝗼𝘁𝘀, 𝘄𝗮𝗹𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗶𝘁𝗰𝗵 𝗮𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗴𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝗰𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝗕𝗿𝘂𝗻𝗼 𝗙𝗲𝗿𝗻𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗴𝗼𝗮𝗹𝗸𝗲𝗲𝗽𝗲𝗿 𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗻𝗲 𝗟𝗮𝗺𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘀. 𝗠𝗮𝘁𝘁, who was killed alongside his Cleveland Police colleague 𝗣𝗖 𝗧𝗼𝗺 𝗖𝗹𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 on 22 August, was a lifelong Manchester United supporter and regularly shared his love of the club with his boys. His wife, 𝗦𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗵, was also at Old Trafford as the club paid tribute to a devoted dad, husband, friend and police officer. A tribute in the matchday programme, written by a close friend and colleague, perhaps said it best: “𝗧𝗼𝗱𝗮𝘆, 𝘄𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿 𝗮 𝗳𝗲𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘄 𝗥𝗲𝗱. 𝗔 𝗵𝘂𝘀𝗯𝗮𝗻𝗱. 𝗔 𝗳𝗮𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿. 𝗔 𝘀𝗼𝗻. 𝗔 𝗯𝗿𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿. 𝗔 𝗳𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗱. 𝗔 𝗽𝗼𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗲𝗿. 𝗔 𝗺𝗮𝗻 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗴𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘀. 𝗙𝗼𝗿𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘀𝘂𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗼.”

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God FORBID some of the public might actually see Police Officers eating. After all, we're supposed to be robots, not human beings. Of course we don't need food and drink like the rest of society! God FORBID we are seen to be having a laugh with the public. A rarity that should be embraced given that the people we usually deal with wouldn't piss on us if we were on fire... These days welfare is the latest buzzword to be preached about - but no-one is actually willing to practice what they preach. They just continue to grind and grind and grind down on front line officers and it's slowly spreading to other policing departments too. "Don't take your work home with you" they say. "Switch off from it." Probably easy to say from behind a desk... Not so easy to do when you are living and breathing this, day in, day out. Every bad call takes a little bit of the you that you once were with it. People like to think they understand the harsh realities of policing, but unless they've worked it, they really don't. WE ARE NOT OKAY." Anon.

We were originally sent this 5 years ago, and it resonated with many of you. So, today we ask: has ANYTHING improved? And, to the person who wrote this, are you still in the job? 💙 "𝗜'𝗺 𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘆𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘀 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝘆 "𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲" 𝗮𝘀 𝗮 𝗥𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗲 𝗢𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗲𝗿... ... 𝗜 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗶𝘁 𝗮 "𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲" 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝟵𝟱% 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁'𝘀 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝗶𝘁 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝘀. Sure, there's good days, but they certainly don't outweigh the bad. The bad days are constant and the bad days stick - not the good. The good ones are few and far between and I see many, many officers holding out for just one of those good days. Holding out for the small and fleeting thought of "it's not so bad"... but, it really is. I was asked recently to provide an example of "good policing" that I had done. On reflection, it shocked me to discover that since my time as a Response Officer I struggled to think of even one. When I REALLY thought about it, it made me realise that the actual problems never get looked at. They're always wanting to be masked by "the good stuff". Reality is, I'm working in an environment where the people I am arresting have more rights than I do. Their welfare gets checked every 30 minutes. They have meals and drinks at their beck and call. Who cares if they throw those meals around their cell like an animal? We just keep them coming because what the prisoner wants - the prisoner gets. Heck, they even have their very own butler (Detention Officers) to bring it to them! The welfare of Response Officers is rarely checked. Like robots, we turn up to work, we answer the calls and we fill in ALL of the paperwork (most of which is completely unnecessary and duplicated simply to cover ourselves). Nevermind that you've just been verbally abused. Nevermind that you've just had blood spat at you. Nevermind that you've been kicked or pushed about. Nevermind that you've just been wrestling with someone in their cell after they've urinated everywhere so you're saturated in it. No, nevermind that. Nevermind that you just saw a dead baby being carried away by Paramedics or that you just came from a hanging with someone who had so much to live for. Nevermind that because they're on holiday, you just had to tell some parents over the phone that their eighteen year old son was dead or that you held the hand of their sixteen year old - taking some of his last breaths after being hit by a car. Nevermind that. Don't forget: there are still more calls to be answered, and there are still more people to be interviewed. There are still more people to sit with in hospital to wait for them to shit out drugs that THEY decided to swallow. There are still more people to sit with in hospital because they have a baddy head or a baddy toe... all of whom are an absolute drain on the NHS and their staff. Don't forget that there are more victims of stabbings who "ain't gonna tell the Police shit" - because they choose to live a murky lifestyle where they only care about knives and violence and drugs and money - and the Police are a minor inconvenience every now and then. But those people seem to matter the most. Not us mere Response Officers. Not us mere Response Officers who essentially give our lives to the Job. Not us mere Response Officers who miss family birthdays, Anniversaries, Christmas or trips away because "sorry, there's a rugby match that weekend" or "sorry, we don't have enough staff". It would at least be nice to say that we have four rest days - however they are regularly being taken from us as well - without any real warning. "Oh, you had plans that Rest Day? Tough. You should have booked it off 12 months ago..." is the standard response.

The only thing worse than having no battery whilst sitting in a PSU van all day at a football match... is having a full battery AND a power pack but having no bloody signal. 🚫

You could show officers being posted with bricks, and some throbber like this would still say "tHeY ShOuLd bE SaCkED" 🤣

James Goddard @JamesPGoddard90

3 weeks ago

This Police Officer should be SACKED immediately He's meant to be there to uphold the law, instead hes getting down and dirty with the simbas

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"Hey UKCH! Just wondering if you could help us gauge the level of cakes required after a probationer on our team made a slightly embarrassing faux pas recently…? They were at a drugs warrant and whilst searching a room, came across a grey-ish powder-like substance…found in a bedroom…in a jewellery box. They seized it, bought it back to the station and booked it into the property store and thought it was a great find… only to find out when interviewing the suspect that said ‘suspicious’ substance was in fact, the ashes of the suspect’s dearly beloved! 🫣 What cake fine have they ‘urned’?" #OldButGold #Cakes #AshesToAshes

This is exactly why we always say "please" and "thank you"... 🤖

police-revision.thinkific.com/courses/nie-cr…

When the JESIP lot really do know their audience... 😉

The tribute to PC Matthew Blades and PC Tom Clough from today's Boro vs West Brom match. Impeccable respect from all fans. 💙 [Our huge thanks to Mike for sending this in]

Sorry, ignore the last. We found them!

Remember kids: There's. No. Such. Thing. As. EXTRA. Police. Officers. They're either taken from elsewhere, or having their days off cancelled.

Intelligence suggests... A Chief Inspector in Police Scotland sent out an email yesterday asking all officers to remember to provide a crime ref or incident no when bringing a prisoner into custody. This email was sent to every distribution list for one of the local divisions where this has apparently been an issue, but it looks like an error in what email addresses are contained in the distribution lists mean it’s inadvertently gone to thousands of officers & staff across the entire organisation, possibly to the entire workforce. That would be bad enough but for the rest of the day everyone’s mailboxes were inundated with dozens & dozens of ‘reply all’ replies every couple of minutes from various officers & staff from across the organisation saying they received it in error and asking to be removed from the list. Top cheeky replies from a few brave souls include ‘shared Glasgow’ and the classic ‘liked & shared hope I win 👍’. 😆 There were also a couple of dozen people replying with variations of ‘please stop clicking reply all’… while having clicked ‘reply all’ themselves without any hint of irony! 🤦‍♂️ Mailboxes quickly slowed struggling to deal with the to and fro of email replies, some hit data limits and shut down. Within hours the below image was being shared amongst colleagues the length & breadth of Scotland! 🤣🤣🤣 #ISurvivedThePoliceScotlandEmailChainOf2026

𝗣𝗼𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁𝗹𝘆 𝗯𝗲 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗲𝗲𝘁 𝗮 𝗵𝗶𝗴𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗳𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗮𝗿𝗱. 𝗧𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗯𝗲 𝘀𝘂𝗯𝗷𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗮 𝗹𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗮𝗿𝗱 𝗼𝗳 𝗳𝗮𝗶𝗿𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀. Victims and complainants deserve timely answers. The public deserves confidence that wrongdoing will be properly dealt with. Officers who have done nothing wrong deserve to know that they will not lose years of their lives waiting for the system to establish that fact. The terms of reference for this new review say its evidence-gathering methodology will include feedback from victims, complainants, the public, 𝗽𝗼𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝗰𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁𝗮𝗯𝗶𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝘀𝘆𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗺. But almost four weeks after the review was announced, we can find no published route for individual officers to submit their experiences directly. Previous Home Office work in this area has included an open call for evidence, complete with a dedicated email address through which people could make submissions. 𝗦𝗼, 𝗗𝗮𝗺𝗲 𝗟𝘆𝗻𝗻𝗲 𝗢𝘄𝗲𝗻𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗝𝗮𝘀𝗼𝗻 𝗕𝗲𝗲𝗿 𝗞𝗖, 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗿𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄 𝗱𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝗺𝗲? Will serving officers, former officers and their families who have actually lived through years of misconduct proceedings be given a direct opportunity to tell you what that process did to them? Because if this is genuinely going to be an evidence-led review of whether the system is fit for purpose, 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝘃𝗼𝗶𝗰𝗲𝘀 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗱.

𝗣𝗢𝗟𝗜𝗖𝗘 𝗠𝗜𝗦𝗖𝗢𝗡𝗗𝗨𝗖𝗧: 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗣𝗥𝗢𝗖𝗘𝗦𝗦 𝗖𝗔𝗡𝗡𝗢𝗧 𝗕𝗘 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗣𝗨𝗡𝗜𝗦𝗛𝗠𝗘𝗡𝗧 The Government has launched a full, independent review of the police accountability system, examining why misconduct cases take so long and whether the current arrangements are actually fit for purpose. 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝘀 𝘆𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘀 𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿𝗱𝘂𝗲. Let's make one thing absolutely clear: police officers must be accountable for their actions. They exercise significant powers and the public is entitled to expect high standards in return. Officers who abuse those powers, commit serious misconduct or break the law should face the consequences. But accountability must also be 𝗳𝗮𝗶𝗿, 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲𝗹𝘆. Wearing a police uniform should not mean surrendering the basic expectation that allegations against you will be investigated properly and resolved within a reasonable period. The latest Home Office figures demonstrate just how badly that principle has been lost. Of misconduct cases finalised in 2024/25, 𝟯𝟭% 𝘁𝗼𝗼𝗸 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗻 𝗮 𝘆𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝟵% 𝘁𝗼𝗼𝗸 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗻 𝘁𝘄𝗼 𝘆𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘀. At 31 March 2025, another 𝟵𝟱𝟬 𝗼𝘂𝘁𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗰𝗮𝘀𝗲𝘀 𝗵𝗮𝗱 𝗮𝗹𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝘆 𝗯𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝗿𝘂𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗻 𝘁𝘄𝗼 𝘆𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘀. For the more serious recordable conduct matters, the median time to reach a conclusion had risen from 311 days to 𝟰𝟬𝟱 𝗱𝗮𝘆𝘀 in just one year. Then there are the officers removed from frontline or normal duties while these processes continue. At 31 March 2025, 𝟵𝟮𝟯 𝗽𝗼𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝘂𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗱. For suspensions which concluded during that year, the median duration was 𝟮𝟳𝟯 𝗱𝗮𝘆𝘀. Suspension is not a finding of guilt. An officer can therefore spend months, sometimes years, away from their normal role while their career, reputation and family life remain in limbo. And this is no longer simply serving officers or the Police Federation criticising the system. In January 2026, 𝗥𝗮𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗹 𝗪𝗮𝘁𝘀𝗼𝗻, 𝗗𝗶𝗿𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗼𝗿 𝗚𝗲𝗻𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗹 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗜𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗽𝗲𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗢𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗣𝗼𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗱𝘂𝗰𝘁, wrote on the IOPC's own website: "𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝘆𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗺 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗱𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝗼𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝘂𝗯𝗹𝗶𝗰." She also warned that the current system can produce "𝗽𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗲 𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘀, 𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿𝗹𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗰𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗱 𝗼𝗻 𝗷𝘂𝗻𝗶𝗼𝗿 𝗼𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗲𝗿𝘀", and highlighted the problems caused when criminal, coronial and disciplinary processes examine the same incident, sometimes reaching their conclusions years later. When the Director General of the police watchdog itself is saying the system is letting down officers and the public, we really ought to be listening. There is also a human cost which cannot be ignored. Police Federation data covering 2022 to 2025 recorded at least 𝟳𝟬 𝗽𝗼𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗼𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗲𝗿 𝘀𝘂𝗶𝗰𝗶𝗱𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝟮𝟯𝟲 𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗺𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝘂𝗶𝗰𝗶𝗱𝗲𝘀. Of those, 47 deaths and 173 attempts involved officers who were subject to criminal or misconduct proceedings. Those figures do not prove that an investigation caused an individual death, and it would be wrong to claim that they do. The Federation itself describes a "𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗼𝗻𝗴 𝗰𝗼𝗿𝗿𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻", and when investigations can continue for years, that is far too serious to dismiss. None of this means officers should escape consequences. Home Office figures show 𝟲𝟵𝟱 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗺𝗶𝘀𝘀𝗮𝗹 𝗼𝗿 "𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗺𝗶𝘀𝘀𝗲𝗱" 𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘀 following misconduct proceedings in 2024/25. Where gross misconduct is proven, those who have no place in policing should be removed. But an allegation is not a finding. 1/2